depressed over emotional facebook affair

Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

07-21-2012, 03:14 PM	? #1 (permalink)
Registered User ? Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Indiana, Pa Posts: 2	I've been married for almost 11 years. We have 4 great kids. My wife is a stay at home mom. I am in sales and work very hard, but not so much to the neglect of my family. 2011 was a very difficult work year for me. My income was low and there was so much stress at work that I went on anti-anxiety meds for a time. My wife was struggling with several things including her father with cancer and the struggles of raising 4 children. She began to attend RAVES which she did before we were married. I thought it was a good thing for me to give her that release so long as she was careful. She attended about 1 every two months. In March she confessed to meeting a DJ at a rave in Feb and had a 3 week emotional affair on Facebook. She claims to have never talked to him on the phone. At first all of the details didn't come out. Over a period of weeks I learned that the relationship got sexual in nature with messages. I also learned that she was putting me down to him and making fun of me. I also learned that she had pursued other DJ's on facebook but only one got very far, but he told her that he was no good for her, so it ended. It's been 4 months. She is trying really hard to change. She has apologized to me but I still feel unresolved. I did well with my feelings at first but lately, I am very depressed. I've never felt so lonely in my life. She is seeing a therapist but that isn't helping me. I have huge trust issues about the future. I also struggle with feelings of ending the marriage and revenge. (When I have a level head, I know these are no good.) I just can't get over some of the things she said to the guy and others. She is off facebook unless I log her in. I want to talk to someone as a couple but am having a hard time finding someone to see. My sadness is something I've never experienced before. I feel myself getting depressed any time I come home or am around her. Any advise is much appreciated.
?

07-21-2012, 03:37 PM	? #5 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: May 2011 Location: Texas Posts: 5,331	Quote: She began to attend RAVES which she did before we were married. She is a SAHM ... you work very hard to support your family. She starts doing things she did when she was single. So not your fault certainly but this was not the best thing for you to be alright with and you see this now. So why would you believe that this is a FB only thing. She is going to RAVES for crying out loud!!! So her life style must change immediately. No more going out to RAVES, clubs and bars without you. There must be boundaries. Married boundaries. This protects the marriage for you and your wife but certainly your children. How old are your kids? I suggest you do His Needs Her Needs and especially the boundary setting. This would be a deal breaker for me FWIW. Good luck. __________________ Never compromise your fundamental boundaries or values out of fear. Your boundaries support the integrity of your inner self. "If you look into your own heart, and you find nothing wrong there, what is there to worry about? What is there to fear?" -- Confucius Last edited by Entropy3000; 07-21-2012 at 03:43 PM.
?

07-21-2012, 08:00 PM	? #7 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Caribbean Region Posts: 833	Quote: I've been married for almost 11 years. We have 4 great kids. My wife is a stay at home mom. I am in sales and work very hard, but not so much to the neglect of my family. 2011 was a very difficult work year for me. My income was low and there was so much stress at work that I went on anti-anxiety meds for a time. My wife was struggling with several things including her father with cancer and the struggles of raising 4 children. She began to attend RAVES which she did before we were married. I thought it was a good thing for me to give her that release so long as she was careful. She attended about 1 every two months. In March she confessed to meeting a DJ at a rave in Feb and had a 3 week emotional affair on Facebook. She claims to have never talked to him on the phone. At first all of the details didn't come out. Over a period of weeks I learned that the relationship got sexual in nature with messages. I also learned that she was putting me down to him and making fun of me. I also learned that she had pursued other DJ's on facebook but only one got very far, but he told her that he was no good for her, so it ended. It's been 4 months. She is trying really hard to change. She has apologized to me but I still feel unresolved. I did well with my feelings at first but lately, I am very depressed. I've never felt so lonely in my life. She is seeing a therapist but that isn't helping me. I have huge trust issues about the future. I also struggle with feelings of ending the marriage and revenge. (When I have a level head, I know these are no good.) I just can't get over some of the things she said to the guy and others. She is off facebook unless I log her in. I want to talk to someone as a couple but am having a hard time finding someone to see. My sadness is something I've never experienced before. I feel myself getting depressed any time I come home or am around her. Any advise is much appreciated. I understand your pain. Of all the things she did, the fact that she talked you down to this guy says a lot. I also feel that is what is affecting you the most. Here you are trying your best to make your wife happy and you realize she doesn't think much of you. I have always heard that there are three things that " commeth not back..." The first one of them is the spoken word. Sorry you have to face this. __________________ A stupid man's report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand. Bertrand Russell
?

07-21-2012, 08:44 PM	? #8 (permalink)
Member ? Join Date: Aug 2010 Location: CA Posts: 3,910	She *said* she was sorry. Her action may tell you differently hence the reason you can't get past this. Is she still going to raves? Is she still leaving you home for GNO (girls night out). Is there still a degree of disrespect with convos. and other interactions with you? Is she walking out of the room to talk on her phone? Is her lap top and cell phone locked? My point is chicks who cheat and want to fix the marriage have to do the heavy lifting to make it right....a certain degree of submission that allows transparency, lack of privacy and a life style change that rids her of all her toxic friendships that continue to help deteriorate the marriage. Dude she can give you all kinds of lip service and tell you what you want to hear, but at the end of the day its her actions that will get you right again. If she can't crasp this idea she may want to sow her oats before settling down. If thats the case it is up to you to tolorate it or not by letting her go. You can't control her but you can offer the protection for the marriage, it will be up to her to except this protection. What totaly sucks is you aready let her go off and have her rave, now when you put a stop to it you will be labled "controlling". Even though me and you both know you aren't being controlling, just protecting the marriage....it will always be up to her to except this kind of protection or leave. It will take some balls but you can protect your marraige by establishing some nonnegotiable boundries that have drastic consequences.
?

Find a Therapist:

Source: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/51743-depressed-over-emotional-facebook-affair.html

reese witherspoon pregnant billy joel bent new york jets etch a sketch romney tim tebow ny jets